136. Sulking - The Silent Saboteur of Harmony with Prina Shah

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Hello, and welcome to this episode of Ways to Change the Workplace with myself Prino Char. I love what I do. I'm a global leadership coach, a consultant, a trainer, a keynote speaker, a podcaster. I help you to develop your leaders, your teams, and I help you to optimize your organizational cultures. I'm here to help you find ways to change your workplace. Why? Because we spend more time in our waking day at work than we do with our loved ones. It has to be a good place to be. So in this podcast, you can expect a mix of interviews with amazing thought leaders and then some solo episodes from myself as well. Hello and welcome to the solo episode of the Ways to Change Your Workplace podcast with me, your host, Freena Shah. And today I want to talk to you about something that really gets on my nerves, and that is sulking. I cannot stand people who sulk. Okay, so I'm thinking about calling this episode sulking, the silent saboteur. And it's a silent saboteur of workplace harmony. Sulking sabotages relationships and just so much more. So I've prepared some notes and I'm gonna look through them because I really want to get into this one. Okay. So what is sulking? Sulking, the definition of sulking is that sulking is a passive-aggressive response to feeling slighted, ignored, or misunderstood. Sulking involves withdrawing and displaying displeasure without directly addressing the issues. Sulking is an emotional state where a person shows their discontent through nonverbal cues and withdrawal, often to manipulate the response of others. Sulking is a coping mechanism where an individual retreats into themselves, displaying their unhappiness indirectly instead of addressing the issues head on. Sulking can be seen as a sign of a silent protest where the sulker seeks to express their displeasure with confrontation. Sulking is a behavioral pattern characterized by pouting, moody silence, or avoiding interaction to convey dissatisfaction or hurt feelings. Sulking often involves a mix of frustration, hurt, and passive resistance, creating a tense and unspoken standoff. So let's talk about some examples. In our personal lives, imagine you are in a disagreement with your partner, and instead of discussing it, you give them the cold shoulder, the silent treatment for days, hoping that they'll figure out why you're upset and they will apologize. I have lived with someone who sulked for so long and didn't speak to me for around 18 months, and that was really hard. Um, there was a lot of therapy involved for me because the impact of sulking, which I'm gonna go into, is detrimental to the person who is the abused, let's call it. It is a form of emotional abuse, I'll be honest. Now, I'll talk about my example in uh a little bit, but let's go into an example from work life, okay? At work, after being passed over for a project, you start avoiding team meetings and only respond with curt emails, leaving your colleagues puzzled about your sudden change in behavior. Are you sulking at work? Do you need to check in on yourself? So I want to talk about signs of sulking from a psychological perspective. So, what is sulking from that psychological perspective? It is an emotional withdrawal and it is a physical silence. You've put your walls up, stonewalling, uh, as is other known. It's a refusal to engage in conversation or in tasks, it's an indirect expression of discontent. So sighing, eye rolling. It's passive-aggressive behavior, and sulking is a way of controlling the other person or the other people or the other party, it's a form of control. The impacts of sulking on the sulker are immense. There's emotional distress and feelings of isolation, and you know, by sulking, you're self-isolating, so hello, you're not helping yourself there. It creates increased stress and anxiety within the sulker, and then within the sulker, there's also often a decreased self-esteem and a low confidence level. So flipping it. Psychological perspectives of the abused, the person who you are sulking towards or against, however you want to word it. The other person will feel confused and frustrated. There's going to be increased tension and discomfort in the relationship, whether it be a personal one or a work one. And then there's potential for developing mistrust. And the worst thing, there's a potential for developing resentment. And once resentment starts in a relationship, that's really difficult to overcome because we're getting into really negative territory, then. Okay. So think about it. Sulking is like a festering wound. Ignored, it only gets worse and it spreads, affecting not just the wound itself, but the entire body. And then, therefore, you are walking on eggshells, but you don't quite know what's happened. So you're left in this confused state. And then at work, a colleague starts sulking after a critical performance review, let's say. I've seen that happen many a time. Their withdrawal and a lack of communication can lead to missed deadlines and a strained team dynamic. I also had a manager years ago when I was working in corporate days who used to sulk. And for the strangest things, I mean, I didn't really understand why he sulked, but because he wouldn't talk to me about it, but it was really, really weird. So instead of coming across as a united front as a people and culture team, we did come across as really fragmented, he would email me instead of talk to me, and he was sat right next to me. It was the weirdest thing, and it just made me feel as if I had done something wrong or something was just not quite right. So then the other thing that sulking does to the abused person is it really gets them to question their own sanity, their own worth, their own um esteem as well. And having been through it in a personal relationship where I was not spoken to for nearly 18 months, it really messed my head up. It was the strangest thing. It really made me feel lesser than, it made me feel, especially when it comes for a love from a loved one, it made me feel yeah, unworthy. And then there was so much self-hate and just so much self-loathing that came as a result of being hated by the sulker. So if you're a sulker, just really check in on yourself and the psychological abuse that you are causing others, right? And I'm being very factual about this because I've been at the other end of it and it's really not good. I've been at the other end of it in my personal life, as I just told you, and in my professional life, also. But I want to delineate to you what sulking is not, okay? So sulking is not staying silent because you feel unsafe. That's a different thing altogether. Sulking is not taking time to cool down and process your emotions. Sulking is not practicing active listening and contemplation. Some of us need to think, we need time out. That's absolutely okay. But then we have to come back to the situation and address it like an adult. Sulking is not observing and gathering information before responding. And sulking is not engaging in self-reflection and personal growth. Okay? I want to talk to you about the impacts of sulking at work because they are really detrimental. Um you, if you are a sulker at work, really please do check in on yourself because you may well be perceived as unprofessional and immature. It damages relationships with people and team cohesion and your organizational culture. It absolutely reduces productivity and it really diminishes the morale of others and of yourself. It's it's the weirdest thing. And creates a toxic work environment. Okay. So, strategies to address sulkers. Let's let's talk about this. Sometimes we need to flip the script. So instead of reacting to the sulker, acknowledge their feelings without giving in to the passive aggressive behavior. Say something like, I see you're upset, and I want to understand, but we need to communicate openly. Direct confrontation is an option as well. Sometimes calling out the behavior directly, yet kindly can break the cycle. So saying something like, I've noticed you're not engaging like usual. Can we please talk about what's going on? You could promote transparency. So creating a culture of transparency where feelings and issues can be openly discussed without a fear of retribution. You can set consequences. So make it clear that persistent sulking has consequences, such as exclusion from decision-making processes or projects until your behavior improves, or if it's a personal life thing, then this relationship's over. I can't deal with you anymore. The end. And if we're stuck with that person, it's really important to seek mediation. So if sulking persists, bringing in a neutral third party can help mediate the situation and find a resolution. So from a workplace perspective, I've helped many um a relationship which is broken to be addressed as a mediator. And then personally, I cannot I cannot uh highlight therapy enough. So consider what you need, whether it's personal or professional. Now, if you are the sulker, yeah, you need to address it. So, how? Let me give you five ways to address sulking. Way number one, acknowledge your feelings and understand the root cause. Another way to address your sulky behavior is to practice assertive communication and express your needs directly. Use your adult words. Way number three to address your own sulking is to develop emotional regulation skills. So mindfulness might work for you, deep breathing might work for you, going out for a walk, whatever works for you, find your thing. Way number four to address your sulky behavior. Seek feedback and support from trusted colleagues, mentors, or if it's a personal thing, then your friends or your family. And way number five, to address sulking if you are the sulker. Focus on problem solving and finding constructive solutions instead of going into that negative rabbit hole, which is awful for everyone who's impacted. So if you continue to sulk, it's like driving with the handbrake on. You're not only slowing yourself down, but you're also causing unnecessary strain and damage to other people and your relationships and your life. So let me summarize to you. It's really important to address sulking for personal and professional growth. The impact on sulking on workplace disharmony is huge. It's monumental, okay? And on personal relationships, it is awful. It can break a person. It completely broke me. I'm back though, but it took a long, long, long time to come back. You have to take practical steps to manage and overcome sulking if you are a sulker. So I encourage you to share your thoughts and experiences on sulking. I would love to hear from you. You can respond via my um website, ways to change your workplace.com, which is for my podcast. There's a response button there on LinkedIn. If you've heard this episode, get in touch with me or check out the post that I talked about, you know, uh this podcast and add your conversation, add your thoughts, add your peace, please. Um, I'm on Instagram as well, as prina.sha, and yeah, direct message me, contact me, comment, let me know how you deal with sulkers because we really need to rise and unite against the sulkers. Because my god, they're like vampires, energy vampires is what they are. That's what I call sulkers. So pass this episode on to anyone who needs it, and I wish you all the very best. If you're a sulker, I hope that this has helped you to get over the behavior, traits of sulking, and to actually do something with it. And if you've been abused by a sulker, then know that it's not you and you need to take steps to safeguard yourself or move on from the relationship. Tough conversations here, absolutely so. Pass this on to anyone who may need it, and I thank you very much. I will see you in the next episode. Bye for now. How good was that episode? If you liked it, be sure to share it with a couple of other people. Also, in the show notes are details about my newsletter. Keep in touch. I send a newsletter out around once a month. It won't be spammy, it will be very practical. And if we're not connected on LinkedIn yet, we must be connecting with me on LinkedIn. And on Instagram, I am prina.sha. I will see you somewhere else or in the next episode. Until then, goodbye.